


There is No Sea

by WhatsernameAnyways



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Existentialism, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-03
Updated: 2012-07-03
Packaged: 2017-11-09 02:29:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/450266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatsernameAnyways/pseuds/WhatsernameAnyways
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thane spoke of meeting her across the sea. Shepard had died once; there was no sea. Now he is gone, and Shepard must cope with the fact that she will never see him again. But not all things are as they seem. Originally a ME Kink Meme fill. Some language.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> Edited and cleaned up, originally from the Mass Effect Kink Meme
> 
> Original Prompt:
> 
> So after checking this out (insert link to article about the deleted scene where Ash questions Shepard about what comes after death) a question popped up that I had never really considered before. I've read a few of the Thane/FemShep fills where Shepard dies and ends up "across the sea" but it never occurred to me that for Shepard to say: "I've died and there was no sea." She just always takes his words at a sentimental value... why?
> 
> I mean, she was dead for two years... what happens to the soul? Does it just stick around, unconscious? Does 'a' soul exist?
> 
> Anyway, I don't really know what I'm asking for... but maybe an exploration of spirituality? Any pairing/scenario is fine. Shepard/Ashley is cool. Maybe a (sexy) continuation of their discussion from the link?  
> FemShep/Thane grief would be awesome.  
> Or what about Legion asking if they have a soul?
> 
> If anyone takes this on, I commend you brave anon! (Seriously, this kmeme is awesomely deep at times).
> 
> smexy crack is totally awesome too

"Goodbye, Thane. Meet you across the sea."

Shepard didn't know what to think, she wasn't thinking. The words left her mouth of their own accord. She didn't even know if she truly believed them.

She had died once; there was no sea.

Thane's sentiments were beautiful, but that's all they were as far as she knew. _Sentiment._ She reached over and gently pushed his eyelids closed. Those enormous ebony and emerald orbs you could get lost in forever, that she gladly had lost herself in in their time together on the Normandy. They no longer sparkled with life, with all that had made him _him_. Made him that which she had lived and breathed, fought and suffered for.

She had to leave. This was too much.

Shepard turned on her heel and bolted from the room before the tears could start to fall, before her weakness could truly show, leaving Kolyat behind at his father's bed side. Thane's body was just a shell now, no better than a husk. He was gone, truly gone and Shepard couldn't handle it.

She knew there would be loss in this war. It was war after all. People get hurt, people die. These things had never changed throughout all of known history, and never would. War never changes. Only ebbs and flows like the tide, lapping at our ankles, icy cold, and occasionally stealing even things we tie down, never to be seen again. Dragging them into the undercurrents and to the bottom of the ocean.

_Kalahira, goddess of oceans and the afterlife._

Shepard couldn't contain it anymore, crumpling into a chair in the corner of the waiting room as the first sobs overtook her, tears like acid, hot and stinging on her face.

_Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness._

It had been foolish to have ever hoped for a happy ending with Thane. But as savior of the galaxy, Shepard had hoped. Hoped that for all the good she did for the galaxy fate might have let her have one thing for herself. Just _one_ thing. But fate was the cruelest of mistresses so it would seem. Allowing them to find each other and survive a suicide mission, only to have her dragged away in cuffs for six months immediately after. Reuniting them after that time, only for him to be murdered defending her and the cause regularly risked her life for.

_Kalahira, wash the sins from this one and set him on the distant shore of the infinite spirit._

Shepard could hardly even continue this train of thought. The light that had guided her through the darkness, the hope that had given her drive to continue to bear the weight of the world on her shoulders, was gone. It had left with her lover's last breath. He spoke of a final reunion; one she _knew_ first-hand would never come. She had never had the heart to correct him. For all she had been through; those two years dead that had seemed like only seconds to her in comparison… He was gone, she would never see him again, and suddenly it started to feel like he was not the only one who had just died in that quiet room to the sound of beeping machinery and static. Her body convulsed under the weight of her overwhelming sorrow, drowning in the sobbing that possessed her.

"Shepard… I…"

Shepard snapped from her despondency and stared at Kolyat. She hadn't noticed him approach, and he was now seated near her with a hand outstretched. His face made it plain as day that he had absolutely no clue what to do. The pain in his eyes… _oh god he has his father's eyes, I never noticed before_ …. It reminded her that she wasn't alone. This was his pain too. She wasn't the only one Thane was the whole world to.

"Look, I know _you_ don't know this, but I… knew about you two. Dad… he told me a while ago, while you were locked up on Earth." Kolyat sighed and massaged the bridge of his nose before continuing, so obviously unsure of his words. This had to be insanely awkward; Shepard had essentially replaced Kolyat's mother, Irikah, in Thane's life over the last year. She had always hidden their romantic relationship around the young man for fear of starting a bout that might shatter all she knew Thane was working to reclaim in theirs. "I can't say I was… _pleased_ … with the news…."

Kolyat's face darkened and his gaze fell down to the floor, and Shepard's heart ached. Thane hadn't mentioned Kolyat much since she they had been reunited. Had she completely ruined the broken bond between father and son? Her hands worried at her eyes as a whole new wave of tears and anguish overtook her. The sobs couldn't be contained, she didn't even want to anymore. Her team wasn't here to see her be weak, just her lover's estranged son whom she had never held the respect of anyways.

There was suddenly a hand on her back, another on her shoulder. "Shepard… I don't hate you. You saved my life, even if you did kind of punch me in the face. That _hurt_ you know… But that's not what I'm trying to say." He paused, taking a long inhale as if steadying himself for his next words. "My father really loved you, Shepard. I may have accused him of replacing my mom… but that's never what he wanted to do. I had no right to say that to him, and he had every right to move on. You did well by him, Shepard, you did right by me and saved me from myself. You will never be my mother, but you're the next best thing. Better than he could have asked for, than _I_ could have asked for."

That was it, the straw that broke what little of the dam that remained. Shepard doubled over entirely and gave into the feelings that sought to drown her, now painful sobs rippling through her entire body. Rippling into her soul… _if such a thing even exists._

Unexpectedly she was gathered into strong arms, pressed to a warm chest. There were no words, they weren't Kolyat's proficiency. A shoulder to cry on though… that was universal no matter the culture it seemed. She balled her hands in his coat and just let it go like she hadn't in so many years. His words had given her a haven that she hadn't ever had in so long. Shepard was always supposed to be the strong one, the brave one, the _savior_. Weakness was not permitted in the role she filled, and so she showed none. It was an inhuman expectation, but in the eyes of the galaxy she was expected to be immortal and unshakable, her vulnerabilities nonexistent.

Tucked under Kolyat's chin in that hospital waiting room, she was a fragile. She was in mourning over that which she had lost. It was the only chance she would get to be such, and she took it in full.

"Thank you."


	2. II

_THANE!_

Her voice cracked and wailed. Her feet gave chase.

She wouldn't catch him. She couldn't. She _never_ could.

Shepard knew it was a dream, but it had a hold on her. She could never manipulate it nor wake herself, only run across the same desert endlessly chasing her lost lover night after night. Except for the nights she found herself in the forest chasing the little boy from Earth and haunted by the tormented whispers of those she couldn't save, this was where she spent her sleep.

Burning sun above, boiling sand underneath bare feet. Every step was torture in more ways than one. No matter how fast she ran, he was always still ahead, always just out of reach. Her cries, wailing, and screams of sheer terror and utter agony at the hallucination around her always fell on deaf ears. Sleep was supposed to be for rest, but for her it was utter anguish, worse than the moments she spent awake facing the reality of it all. At least when her eyes were open she couldn't see him, the reminder of the hole in her chest dulled to an ache by the ability to put it to the back of her brain. Her subconscious seemed to enjoy tormenting her; taking full advantage of when she lacked defenses.

Something was different this time, though. She was gaining ground, and then she was nearly upon him. Her mind reeled, not knowing what to think.

He turned without warning and their eyes met.

_Siha, why do you pursue me so? There is still much work left for you to accomplish. Your story is not yet over; the waves do not call for you yet._

She couldn't stop her momentum, even if she had wanted to try. Her arms opened but the collision she had desperately hoped for never came. She crashed into him, and his body turned to smoke in her arms. Thane disappeared into dancing tendrils of shadow and darkness, leaving her to tumble face first into the sand. Her skin seared as though she were in hell itself, causing a scream to rip through her throat.

And like that, it was over.

Shepard awoke crumpled on the floor of her cabin, the icy metal against her face a stark contrast to the previous sensation. She sat up and looked around; the bed had been completely ripped apart, sheets and blankets torn and flung askew, and one of her pillows had somehow even found its way up the stairs.

"What the _**fuck.**_ "

She curled against the side of her bed and massaged her temples fervently. That was a new one for her brain to throw at her; the dream was the same every night but the apparition of Thane had never faced her, much less ever spoken to her.

Shepard shook her head tersely.

_No, **not** speaking to me. He's dead, gone for good. Just my screwed up mind showing its true colors._

Post-traumatic stress, or _something_. There had to be some sort of logical explanation; but even as that thought crossed her mind, what had happened still didn't sit right in the pit of her stomach. She didn't know how to shake it, but she knew the answer sure as hell wasn't going to be in this room. Too many memories lingered within its walls; precious stolen moments together that would never, _could_ never be enjoyed again. She needed out of this god-forsaken place. _Now._

Shepard retrieved her clothes quickly, but only the bare necessities. Her hoodie and a pair of pants were all she needed. This was her damn ship and it was the middle of the night, so most of the crew would be asleep; to hell with it if the ones who weren't saw her without shoes or a proper shirt. It was the end of days, so it seemed, and protocol was becoming less and less important by the minute. Who wanted to spend their final weeks worrying about being exactly proper? She had been becoming increasingly lax on such frivolities, entirely giving up the battle to adhere to military order after the loss of Thane. Being truly alone in the universe again had a way of putting things in perspective like that, especially when bearing the knowledge of the end truly being more final than popular belief would tell it to be.

She headed to the elevator and punched the selection for the crew deck a little harder than necessary. A full stomach might at least help take the edge off her exhaustion. _Maybe I'll have to take up Garrus' offer to drink me under the table._ Legion and the quarian admirals were still trying to locate the center server that was poisoning the geth consensus with Reaper code, and it was undoubtedly still going to be a while longer. She probably would have time for a hangover, and she _really_ could use the drink right now.

The elevator stopped its languid descent and the doors opened to the view of the crew memorial wall opposite; the names of those who had been lost to the fight ever since the mission to Eden Prime that started it all just under three years ago. Shepard silently cursed whoever had chosen to put it in such a prime location that it was nearly impossible to avoid unless you blatantly ignored it. The names always stared at her and made her spine tingle when she was within sight of it. _A comfort to some; a way of remembering for others._

_For me… I guess it's now just fate's cruel way of shoving in my face just how many I failed to save._

Richard Jenkins. Kaidan Alenko. Charles Pressly, and the rest of the crew who had gone down with her and the original Normandy. The crew of the second Normandy the collectors had killed before they could arrive. Mordin Solus.

_Thane Krios._

The ten letters that stung the worst of all.

She solemnly walked over and touched her fingers to their embossing; fingernails dragging over the white enamel set into the metal plaque. The only lasting mark the man she loved had made on this whole ship; according to Javik there were indeed other traces left behind as well, though he was the only one who could 'see' them. Her eyes started to water, but she couldn't bring herself to look away. _Goddamnit, this isn't why you came down here. You left your cabin to get away from **this.**_

"Shepard-Commander."

Shepard jumped and whirled to face the geth who had appeared behind her, heart pounding. _It's a couple hundred pound machine! How did I not hear it coming? **Bullshit** the geth do not **intentionally** infiltrate._ "Legion!" She gasped. "What are you doing down here? I thought you were staying up in the war room to work on things with Tali?"

"Creator Zorah is on this deck in the crew's quarters. She sought to recharge so she could resume our workload at full processing capacity." Its eyebrow flaps twitched. "We assumed Shepard-Commander was also at rest."

"I…" Shepard's hands started to fidget, wringing and worrying at each other. "I haven't exactly been sleeping well. I just came down here to get something to eat… and to think about some things, I guess. Was there something you needed from me, Legion?"

Its eyebrow plates twitched up. _Surprise maybe?_ She could never truthfully be sure what any of its movements meant, it was so very alien in build and how it showed expressions. "Affirmative. We cannot help but notice you observing the memorial wall. The drell assassin's name specifically." It gestured with an arm toward the object in question. "Your physical positioning suggests distress, Shepard-Commander. We wish to understand, and would inquire as to why."

Shepard stared it down… _well… as much as you could stare down a flashlight-looking bulb, really._ It made sense that some of the more withdrawn members of the crew wouldn't have picked up on her relationship with Thane; they hadn't exactly been public with their affections, preferring to leave such things mostly to privacy. "Thane…" She paused and bit her lip. "We were _together._ I had to watch him die at the hands of another assassin during Cerberus' attempted coup of the Citadel."

"You and the drell were involved in an amorous association."

She nodded in response.

"You, as organics would say, _miss_ him…?"

Another short nod. "Yes, Legion."

"Death for an organic, we thought this was a simple process. Is there more to death? Extranet sources indicate there are both physical and emotional ties to living organics transitioning to a nonliving state." It continued to twitch during speech. Sometimes she thought its gestural patterns seemed almost human in their nature. "We do not comprehend, on an exact scale."

Shepard scratched her head. "It's… a bit complicated, I guess… This might be a long talk. Let's go sit in the mess." She stepped away from the cursed wall and the names staring down at her, gesturing for the geth to follow. She retrieved a few granola bars along with a bottle of water from the kitchen area, and took the seat opposite the one Legion had selected. "I do miss Thane, yes. Just because he died… it doesn't mean my feelings for him automatically disappear. Even you must remember things, even after they are destroyed; remember people after they're killed. Do you still remember Mordin, the salarian from the Collector mission? He was… lost... on Tuchanka; gave his life to cure the genophage. But you can still remember him, can't you?"

"We are able to, yes."

"I know you don't really have _feelings_ … right? Not the same way organics do at least." She idly chewed on her lip for a moment. "I still love Thane as though he were alive. It's emotionally painful to me that he is no longer with us because of that love, but at the same time I can't just simply forget our relationship or our time together like you could delete an offending file from your data banks."

"We can understand this concept." Its head bobbed slightly and the eyebrow plates rose again. "We still have not formed consensus on another subject, however. When geth are destroyed, it is possible for another to be built to take its place. Could you not simply replace the organic with a... _'newborn?'_ What we mean to ask is... would you not enjoy the companionship of another drell organic just as you enjoyed that of the assassin?"

Shepard couldn't help but laugh somewhat bitterly at Legion's unintentional ignorance, but she couldn't blame him. It wasn't his fault. "I guess I shouldn't expect you to automatically fully understand the concept of the individual, should I?" She shook her head slightly and brought her face to rest in her hands, elbows on the table. "While it is not entirely impossible that could be true... I _could_ find a 'replacement,' not just of a drell but of any species, in theory. It wouldn't be the _same_ though, because no two organics are exactly alike. We are all shaped by not just our genetics... our 'programming' if you will... but also by the unique sequence of events that happen to us over our lives and influence us over that time. Even identical twins can become two entirely different people; exactly the same in appearance and genetics, but polar opposite in mannerism and personality. I _do_ have the potential to fall in love again, Legion, but it would never be the _same_. Because no one _will_ or _could_ ever be the same as Thane."

A silence fell between them as Legion processed the information and Shepard pondered what she had really lost. Sometimes she still couldn't believe she would never see Thane again. Half of her mind thought that she could stroll right into life support and he'd be there, turning to smile at her and invite her to sit for conversation and tea once more. _Just like old times, as Garrus always says._

"Shepard-Commander." Legion fidgeted in its seat under her gaze.

"Yes, Legion? Did you have more questions?" Shepard spoke with little emotion in her voice. She hadn't come down here to have a philosophical debate about the finer points of loss with a geth, but Legion was part of her crew and she couldn't deny it or the trust it had always shown her.

"We... were wishing to speak with you regarding the existential nature of organic beings." It was the second time Legion had used that word. _Wish._ Could synthetics really feel such a thing, or was it just the only word its processing capabilities could offer up to fill the blank in its speech?

Shepard leaned back in her chair, preparing for a possible long haul. "Go ahead, Legion. What is on the metaphorical mind of the consensus? Lay it on me, I'm ready for whatever you can think to throw at me."

"We know much about organic physiology and patterns in organic behavior. We would ask you to explain the concept of life." A pause and more fidgeting. _Is it struggling to find words?_ Shepard laughed inwardly at the thought, even as it appeared to be exactly what was occurring in front of her. "We are... aware this is a broad question."

"On that you would be correct, Legion." She chuckled softly this time. "Did you have something a little more specific you wanted to ask about _within_ that topic?"

"Affirmative; we do. We appreciate Shepard-Commander's willingness to cooperate with our inquiries. It is crucial, in part, to our effective functioning as both an operative and as a complete platform." _Is Legion really expressing curiosity?_ Its head bobbed and all of its faceplates flared this time. "We have done much research on the extranet in relation to this subject. From our findings, it is possible to conclude that sentient beings possess a strong sense of personality. Many organics seem persuaded by religious establishments and beliefs to define this sense as a separate unit to the living form it in habits. Separate from the organic body. Do you recall the inquiry one of our own made that initiated the Morning War with our creators?"

Shepard bit her lip before she repeated the words Legion had told her shortly after joining the crew of the Normandy so many months ago. " _'Does this unit have a soul?'_ "

"Does Shepard-Commander also support this concept of a 'soul'?"

"I… Honestly, I don't know, Legion." She struggled to find the words to say what she wanted to. _If there is such a thing as a soul, then why would there be nowhere for it to go? Why was there nothing after I died but blackness? Why can't I remember anything if that wasn't all there was?_ "I want to tell you yes… but after the things that have happened to me… I don't think such a thing exists." She sighed.

"Your physical positioning again would indicate that you believe your previous statement to be false. Extranet sources indicate this as a show of an organic condition called denial."

Shepard stared the geth down again.

_How…? I must still be shaken from the nightmare… from **him** … what he **said.** Maybe? No… well… **maybe** it wasn't just a dream? But… that's… that's crazy._

"I... Look, Legion. I don't have the definite answers you're looking for. I really wish I did. I want to believe in the existence of the soul, of there being more to things than just this life... the soul, heaven or an afterlife of sorts… I want to believe that more than _**anything**_... but after all the death and destruction I've not only seen but also _experienced_ … I just can't give any guarantees in good conscience." She sighed and stood, holding its gaze. "I'm going to go back to my cabin now. I'm sorry I couldn't answer your questions, but it really was good to talk to you again. The Normandy has been far too quiet compared to when we traveled together. I don't just miss Thane; I miss all of you."

"We appreciated your assistance no less, Shepard-Commander." Legion replied with a slight nod, almost reverent in its execution. "We hope you rest harmoniously."

She smiled weakly, gathered her food and drink from the table, and turned her back on the geth, taking long strides toward the elevator. Legion remained seated at the table, and from her peripheral vision Shepard could tell that it was making no motion to follow. She made a right instead of a left at the corridor junction, ignoring the letters the bored a hole into the back of her head as she detoured to the lounge. That drunken stupor she had contemplated earlier was much more necessary now; Legion's inquiries had stirred up even more bad memories and abhorrent trains of thought than she had thought possible for her to pursue at a time.

The door whooshed open in front of her and she quickly navigated around the furniture to behind the bar, hastily dumping her previous non-intoxicating burdens to begin perusing the bottles that lined the shelves on the back wall. _Dextro… dextro… tequila… vodka… dextro… ahh. Whiskey. That should to the job nice and quickly, and burn like hell in the process._ She needed brain bleach, and this was exactly the kind of thing that would to the trick. Shepard leaned up on her toes to retrieve this night's choice weapon of inebriation. She pulled a tumbler from the cabinet in the bar, filling it with a couple cubes of ice, and then beelined for the exit to return to her cabin. The lounge was usually a destination for late night wakers, and she _really_ couldn't handle any more socialization of any form tonight.

As she stepped through the doorway to exit, however, a soft mechanical hiss from her right caused her freeze in place. The sensors in the door to life support had caught her movement and _so graciously_ opened the door for her. Of course fate would be the most ironic bastard tonight; as if she wasn't feeling bad enough already, it had to taunt her with that which she had lost even _more._

With a small resigning sigh, Shepard turned to stare into the empty void of a room. It was much darker now than it had once been; some of the unnecessary lights had been removed during the Alliance retrofit. Being an unused and practically off-limits space as per her personal orders, EDI apparently saw fit to only run the emergency lights as well.

_This is his room. It always will be. The light of his life is gone from mine, so I suppose it is only fitting that his space should be so shrouded in darkness, too._

She sighed again, resigning to the course of action she knew she couldn't not take. It was stupid… _really **goddamn** stupid_ … but at this point, why bother resisting? Shepard allowed her feet to carry her over the threshold in front of her, pausing only to palm the door panel to a soft lock. This night wasn't going to end well, but she didn't even care anymore. She was beyond the capability of it at this point. The least she could do was leave it so EDI could unlock the door tomorrow when someone eventually figured out she was missing and where she was.

She stopped and stared at the space, so empty and lifeless now. His guns no longer lined the shelves on the wall, the window to the engineering core had been blacked out, and his cot was gone to who knows where, replaced by some indiscriminate supply boxes. The only things that remained from before were the table and chairs, and a single mug that Shepard had left on the table herself. She had come in with two cups of tea and sat in her old seat, staring at the chair where he _should_ have been. That was before the Citadel, before their reunion; the Normandy and its crew still on their escape from Mars, their exodus from the Sol system. She had needed Thane's calming words in that moment, her hands in his again. He would have known exactly what to say to calm her fear and anger, to reassure her that Ashley would be okay. That his siha would be able to save Earth, that she could save the _galaxy._ That she'd done it twice before, and she could damn sure do it again. But at that point she'd just been freed from her incarceration by necessity; she hadn't even known if he was still alive, or if she'd ever have a chance to see him again as the galaxy started to crumble and everything was beginning to go to hell around her.

She sat in her chair again, setting the whiskey and tumbler almost methodically on the metal tabletop in front of her. The same scene as weeks before, the only difference this time was her choice of beverage.

_That… and I **know** that I'm never going to see him again this time._

Shepard unscrewed the cap to the bottle and drizzled the amber liquid leisurely into the crystal glass; watching intently as it trail honey-colored tendrils over the ice. The hollow sound from cracks in the cubes that formed from the differing temperatures meeting brought her a vague and empty sense of enjoyment.

"Wonder if you'd still call me siha if you could see me now." She laughed a touch bitterly as she recapped the bottle and picked up the now full glass. She swirled its contents, watching the light glint and glitter off them as the ice as it moved; steeling herself in a sense for the utter stupor she was about to willingly inflict on herself, and the unpleasantness that would surely follow.

"Wish you were here, Thane. I _really_ need you right now."

Somehow she was certain the hangover she'd have in the morning could never compare to the ache in her heart at that moment.

_Bottoms up._


	3. III

_Blistering sun, scorching sand. The dream again. Only…_

_The sound of waves. The rolling crush of a tide._

Shepard lifted her head; she was face down in the sand, as before when she'd been jolted awake from her dream. She sluggishly pulled herself into a seated position on her knees and looked around to take in her new locale. The change of scenery after weeks of monotony was… disturbing to say the least. She was at the base of the same rolling gold sand dunes as before… but now found herself at the edge of a seemingly endless aquamarine ocean that spanned to the distant horizon as far as she could see. Crystal clear waves lapped at the beach, the tide ebbing and flowing like clockwork. Beautiful, no doubt… _but…_

_There is no sea._

Her mouth formed the words unconsciously as she continued to absorb the landscape. Her body slumped, and she shifted her weight to arms planted at her sides to allow her legs to stretch out in front of her. Her toes curled into the sand uncomfortably, sifting grains between them. _Another figment of a torturous and self-destructive mind, no doubt._

_Do you really believe that, siha?_

Shepard jumped in alarm and swiveled around, trying to pinpoint where the voice originated from, but there was nothing but sand and sea to greet her prying gaze.

_Thane…?_

Her voice rasped out, barely a croak. What did her subconscious honestly have against her that would force it to put her through this madness? Tears welled in her eyes as she rose to her feet, vigorously continuing to search the area for her lost love, though she wasn't sure she really wanted to find him. Still, she couldn't help it.

_I told you, Shepard… I vowed that I would wait for you. I cannot forget my promises; you know this._

His voice seemed to echo and resound from all directions, coming from everywhere and nowhere at once. Unable to trace the voice's source, Shepard stumbled a few piteous and vain steps towards an arbitrary bearing, purely for the sake of movement. Pushing, even while her mind constantly screamed of the futility of it all.

_Not that it really matters if I do find him… I've only been chasing a ghost all these nights. A figment of my cruel imagination._

A hand lighted on her shoulder.

_Perhaps there is more to these things than what you seem to think there is, my siha._

"Shepard…?"

Shepard startled at being shaken and her eyelids flew open abruptly, her vision blurry as a result. She hissed, and her limbs flailed wildly in response to the sudden change to her state of consciousness. As a result, she tumbled out of the grasp that had held her and landed unceremoniously in a heap on a cold metal floor once again.

"Shepard, are you okay…?" The voice spoke tenderly and carefully, tinged with caution and a distinctive timbre. There was a hand on her shoulder again, heavier than the one from her dream however.

She tried to calm her momentary panic, but her heart continued to race and her heavy breathing was causing her entire body to shake uncontrollably. _What the hell? Where am I?_ She searched, but her short term memory was blank, yielding no answers. Pain seared through her head and she slammed her eyelids shut to block out the light from her surroundings before the migraine could worsen any more.

"Shepard, you've been missing for hours… and judging by the _empty_ bottle on the floor, I'd wager you're not feeling too good right about now." A small pause filled by a worried sigh. "EDI? I know it's already kind of dark in here, but can you dim the lighting in life support? I don't think the commander is exactly in top shape right now, and I'm sure she'd really appreciate it."

Shepard could see the change of brightness through her eyelids as the light backed off to a less offensive level.

"Is this intensity suitable, Officer Vakarian?"

"Yes, EDI. That'll do just fine. Thanks." Another short pause. "Shepard, can you sit up? I can help if you need it."

Shepard groaned loudly before making her response. The memories of her midnight conquest for inebriation were starting to return. "I think… I can. Just… gimme a minute." _Son of a **bitch** , everything hurts. That really was a dumb idea. Why did I let me do this to myself?_ She shifted and attempted to push herself up from the floor to a seated position, but it proved to be a difficult task. Her limbs strained and quivered worse than before as they struggled to work her will, and she soon found her turian friend's strong arms endeavoring to assist her strained efforts. He helped her up and gently led her body to lean against the wall behind her. Her hands went to her face then moved to ball in her hair in a futile attempt to combat the pain pulsating in her brain, but her actions were to no avail. She opened her eyes timidly to look her comrade in the face. " _Unnhhh_ … Garrus… how long have I been out?"

"Well I can't be sure how long exactly Shepard; I don't know what time you decided to come in here and tried to drown yourself." In the low light and miniscule glow from his visor she could barely make out the concerned twitch of his mandibles as he pondered his next sentence. "But Liara and Tali have been trying to page you up in your cabin for three hours or so. No one had seen you anywhere on the ship… and with your standing orders I think they were frankly all too scared to ever think of venturing in here."

"Of course you would be the one to disobey them… rules are there for a reason usually, Vakarian..." Shepard winced slightly at the sound of her own voice, but reality was slowly starting to stitch itself back together.

"You know me; never _did_ like to play by the rules." He grinned, but the amusement didn't quite reach his eyes. They instead studied her face, filled with anxiety. "Shepard… is there something on your mind? I haven't seen you down that much booze since Virmire… are… are you okay?"

Shepard rubbed her hand across her face again. _Another one of **these** talks? Someone kill me now, please. I just want off this subject for the rest of my life at this point._ "Garrus, I'm sorry... but why are you even asking? You of all people should know the answer to that."

Garrus' eyes stayed fixated on her face, trying to look for some kind of clue. He never had exactly been the best with words. "Just because I think I know the answer doesn't mean I can't still ask. Sure, I can take a guess at what's been bothering you… but I'd rather you just told me yourself."

Shepard sighed. "You mean to tell me you haven't figured it out from the fact that we're sitting in life support as opposed to… say the _lounge_? Or even my cabin?" She arced an arm out, gesturing sharply at their surroundings. "I know you're not _that_ dense, Garrus. Or did the missile to the face do more than just make you uglier?"

Garrus' jaw set and his gaze intensified. His eyes bored into her, letting it be visible that he wasn't going to put up with her stubbornness. "Shepard, I don't want to play guessing games with you all day long. I've been with you through all this mess… You trust me enough to keep husks and Cerberus goons off you as a hundred yards… but you don't trust me enough to talk to me?"

"It's not that I don't trust you, Garrus," Shepard groaned in slight annoyance. Her head was pounding, the pain stemming almost as much from her hangover migraine as from the current track of conversation. "It's not easy to talk about, and I'm supposed to be the unflappable Commander Shepard. _Invincible saviour of the galaxy._ I'm supposed to have no weaknesses, and I damn well better not show them in front of my team if I do."

He shook his head slightly. "Well… no insubordination meant, Shepard… but I'm not _just_ one of your team," Garrus retorted. He laid a hand on her forearm, talons clutching he small limb gently. "I'm also your friend, and the one who's been at your side the longest and most consistently out of the crew on this ship right now. Talk to me, _please_. I know you don't think you _need_ to, but I think you _want_ to. Even if you don't realize it."

Shepard sighed and let her head fall to her chest. "You were _there_ , Garrus. You watched it happen." She fought back the tears that sought to fall. Even if he _was_ her friend, Garrus was still a member of her team, and she refused to show weakness in front of him if it could be helped. "Thane was as good as murdered right in front of me, and I was completely powerless to stop it. I watched my lover cough out his last breath in a hospital bed and for once there was _nothing_ I could do."

His grip on her arm tightened. "Mmh… Shepard, that's not your fault."

Shepard's head snapped up to meet her friend's gaze. "Garrus, what kind of saviour am I if I can't even protect the person closest to me?" She looked up at him pleadingly, eyes searching for answers that she knew he couldn't give her. The waver in her voice was plain as day now, her efforts to hide it proving more futile by the moment.

Garrus sighed and dropped her arm from his grip. He pulled back and straightened his stance, crossing his arms and fixing her in another persistent stare. "You're a damn good one. No one can save everyone. You do the best you can, and your best is more than I think anyone else could ever do if put in your place."

"It's still not good enough…" Shepard sighed and shook her head, gaze dropping to the floor once more in her self-assumed shame. "Garrus, everyone looks at me like I have a _plan_. Like I'm some kind of genius mastermind at these things. But to tell the truth I have absolutely no idea at all what I'm doing."

He moved a hand out to point at her and emphasize his point. "And you're still doing better than anyone else could. You cured the genophage, and now you're working on negotiations of peace to end a 300 year long war between the geth and quarians." He paused for a moment, glancing away. His eyes stared off into nothing for a few moments, as if considering everything that had happened and all they'd been through. "For playing it by ear," his brow plates furrowed as his eyes came back once more to meet her own, "I'd say that so far the score's in your favor, Shepard."

"And what if that changes? What happens when I screw up _again_? I lost people on Eden Prime because I wasn't quick enough. We lost Kaidan on Virmire…" Shepard rubbed at her face, but did not remove her hands afterwards. She instead buried her face into them in an effort to hide the tears that were soon falling. _So much for not showing weakness._ "If we had lost anyone on the Collector base, I don't think I could have handled it… Mordin… and Thane… where does it all end, Garrus?" She was sobbing now, unable to contain it any longer. She shoulders shuddered with every sob and syllable. "How _much_ … how _many_ more do we have to lose?"

"Shepard… mm… none of that was your fault." Garrus rested a hand on her shoulder in an attempt at reassurance. "You've always done the best you can. That's all anyone can ever ask for. Losses along the way… well…" He paused and shook his head with another sigh. "They happen. Hell, I lost my _whole_ team on Omega, Shepard. Do you think that doesn't haunt me?"

She inwardly cringed at her crass blunder into the current topic. "I'm sorry… I-I… I should have thought better of my words before speaking..." Shepard often forgot she wasn't the only 'failed' leader on board the Normandy.

"No, it's fine. You know why?" Garrus stood and moved to lean on the nearby table, eyes staring off into the past again. "Yes, I may regret it. Yes, it still gives me nightmares. But I moved on, Shepard, and I did better. _You_ helped me do that. You showed me how to ever since I came on board the Normandy. Naïve, rogue C-Sec agent following the first human spectre on a mission that would make history. If only we'd known then, huh?" He turned and gave her that half-hearted grin again.

"I understand your comparison but…" Shepard shifted so she could pull her knees to her chest. "There's one big difference. You weren't _in love_ with anyone on your team. Thane… honestly ever since he and I started getting close, he was the reason I kept fighting. Or at least the light that pushed me through the darkest parts. I'm a soldier; I have been almost all my life. War… it's all I know, Garrus… but I find myself wondering more and more _why_ I keep fighting. With every loss, the reasons become less and less, and I just start to wonder what the point is anymore when I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and the chances of winning are getting slimmer by the second." She buried her face against her knees, as if he could hide from the words she had spoken.

"And where would we be now if you'd just given up back on Eden Prime? Or Virmire? If we'd stayed on the Citadel when they grounded the Normandy instead of making that insane run to Ilos? Who would have stopped Sovereign then? If Cerberus hadn't put you back together, who would have stopped the Collectors? I'll tell you who Shepard." Garrus' face set, the seriousness in his speech also present in his eyes. " _No one._ Only you could have done it."

Shepard looked up to meet his gaze. "I'm not sure I really believe that."

"Mm… okay, well… _maybe_ someone else could have done it," he admitted quietly, mandibles flaring. "But definitely not with as few losses on our side as you managed, Shepard. This is war, as you said. No one is safe, and without you as the vanguard there would have been a hell of a lot more blood spilt, I'm sure of it."

"I guess I'll just have to take your word on that one, Garrus." She tightened her grip on her knees. _I wish I really could be the hero everyone seems to think I am._

Garrus' voice curtly cut into her train of thought. "You're not _alone_ in your loss either; no one has come out of all this unscarred. Sacrifices have to be made sometimes, and you can't save everyone, no matter _how_ hard you try." His brow furrowed again as he looked down at his commander huddled against the wall. She felt so small under his gaze. "It's the nature of war, Shepard. That's the first and truest thing the turian military taught me."

"I know… it's just not easy," she mumbled.

"And do you think it's _easy_ for any of the rest of us?" Garrus' voice suddenly became a low growl and his talons seized the table behind him with an idle fierceness. "Liara lost her mother because of this mess. Tali lost her father. Samara had to kill her own daughter. I still haven't heard from my father and Sol; I don't even know if they made it off Palaven… I want to go look for them, get them off that wretched planet… mmh… but I can't, Shepard." He sighed in resignation, voice backing down to its normal tone. "I need to be _here_ , at your side, fighting the battle that _needs_ to be fought. We've all chosen to be here, because you _need_ us here. And the war needs _you_ here."

Shepard stayed silent, unable to think of a response to her friend's speech. _He's right; I'm not the only one who has lost here. I'm just the only one wallowing in it._

Garrus shifted off the table and strode over to stand in front of her once more. "I know some really bad stuff has happened… but we need your head in the game. I… ah… I know it's difficult, but there will be plenty of time to mourn the lost after we've won this thing." He offered her his hand with a small smile. "C'mon. Let's get you up off this floor; go and see what Liara and Tali needed you for. Mmh… it sounded important."

Shepard returned his smile meekly, grasping his hand gladly. _What did I ever do to deserve such friends as these despite my failures?_ She didn't know, but whatever luck fate had bestowed upon her, she would take all she could get. She stumbled a bit as she rose to her feet, head suddenly swimming from the change of position. A new wave of pain from the migraine gripping her skull like a vice caused her to outwardly wince; through all the talking she'd all but forgotten the atrocious hangover she'd brought on herself. "Maybe… but definitely after I make a stop to see Chakwas in the med-bay," she grumbled, clutching her forehead. "My head is going nowhere as it is right now, except maybe out the airlock."

Garrus chuckled and wrapped an arm around her, helping her stumble toward the door at the far end of the room. "You've been spending too much time with that damn prothean, Shepard."


	4. IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This next part contains a paraphrasing and adaptation to my situation of the deleted scene from ME3 between Ashley and Shepard that was floating around last month and mentioned in the original prompt. It was a really strong moment for characterization, but not so much for Shepard as a person. It was very fun to explore, and I hope you enjoy it as well.

_A gentle sea breeze. The soft whisper of waves across sand._

Shepard opened her eyes, head tilted up to the cloudless bright blue sky that had become her nightly prison. Funny that such a beautiful sight could immediately make her so distraught. She sighed and looked around to figure out where exactly she was this time, to find herself mid-thigh deep in the ocean that surrounded her, the small waves rolling and caressing her legs smoothly. She let her fingertips play against the surface of the water, looking down to watch the ripples that played over its surface.

_After Rannoch… Thessia… I guess this is my mind's way of telling me I can't take much more, huh?_

She spoke to herself, not looking for an answer. Though she always spent her sleep here, Thane's appearances had become fewer and farther between. The dream had become less a torture that teased her mind with that she had lost, and more a mental incarceration within a visual monument to her own sins and failures.

_Siha, the path is rough and fraught with many blunders, but you must keep your eyes forward. Always think of the end of the road which you walk; do not allow yourself lose sight of it. Remember what it is you seek to do, despite the losses along the way. Victory in war is never free; it has always come at a cost._

Shepard bit her lower lip gently. Of course he would come out of the woodwork this time, when she was facing her greatest doubts.

_The cost is already too high for me; I lost you._

_Selfish_ , she thought, _but true no less_. She lifted her gaze to the shore and was surprised to see him standing there, hands behind his back with that familiar straight and impersonal posture. _So I get not only a disembodied voice but a veritable audience tonight._

He inclined his head at her.

_I died in battle as I wished, a hero and a martyr to a greater cause. In doing so, I redeemed myself for the sins of my youth. Would you have instead watched me suffer, siha? Allowed me to spend my final days confined to a bed while my inevitable end crept slowly closer?_

Shepard looked back down at the water around her. _No, I couldn't have done that either._ Her deafening silence in response to his words was an answer all its own.

Her eyes fluttered open sleepily to the sight of stars; her cabin ceiling and the space beyond the skylight. Not being jolted from her nightmare was a pleasant change of pace. _Though, can I really call them nightmares anymore?_ She hadn't awoken in cold sweats, heart pounding, and bed covers ripped to shreds since the night after Thessia. She sat up, resting her head in her hand and attempting to rub the drowsiness away.

_Whatever they are… they're getting a little too real for my tastes._

That her mind could emulate him so perfectly wasn't really a shock, but it did still bother her. _If they're just my own wild imaginings, why do I have no control over them still?_ She wasn't sure and really didn't want to think about it. Shepard pushed herself off the bed in an overtly deliberate manner and headed for the bathroom, haphazardly removing and discarding her clothes as she went. A shower would help rinse her mind and hopefully this feeling she couldn't shake would follow the soap suds down the drain and disappear.

She turned the nozzle on the wall curtly and stopped to briefly test the water with her hand. For all the technological advances that had been achieved in her lifetime, no one had yet bothered with how to make shower water come out warm right away. _You think that would have been a priority, with all the resources and time that is wasted waiting on such a trivial thing._ She laughed quietly at her petty train of thought. Scientists surely had more important things to attend to than such frivolities, but it wouldn't stop her from complaining to no one about it. _I guess some things just aren't meant to change._

Shepard wandered over to the sink on the far wall, leaning over it to examine herself in the mirror. _Some things don't change, but I certainly have._ She ran a hand down the side of her face, tracing the velvety smooth skin of her cheek. It still bothered her that the scars were gone; the ones she had borne from her days as an Alliance soldier and officer, before she died and Cerberus put her back together. They had been a part of her. Miranda and her staff had done _too_ good of a job, if you asked her. Her reflection had never looked right to her since, like she was staring at someone else. Perhaps the person she might have been in another life, had she not chosen a life of military service over other career opportunities so many years ago. She met her own gaze in the glass. Even after so many months it was still unnerving. She didn't think she'd ever get used to not recognizing herself. She closed her eyes briefly and shook her head.

_I've been down this train of thought too many times. I don't like where it goes._

She reopened her eyes and caught the reflection of rising clouds of steam out of the corner of her eye. It was time to drown and rinse away these worries. The warm water wasn't the exact comfort she needed in that moment, but it was the best she was going to get. Cleansed as best she could, Shepard shut the water flow off and stood for a few moments reveling in the feeling of the water dripping down her bare skin for a few moments before retrieving a towel from the shelves across the back wall and heading back into her main quarters. With how things were, she felt the need to take pleasure in the little things while there was still time. More and more there didn't seem to be much promise of a tomorrow in which such superficialities could be attended to.

She toweled off silently, lost in shallow and fleeting thoughts as she made her way to her bedside table. Shepard didn't keep a large selection of casual clothes, so it was a swift matter to select and throw on a tank top and regulation cargo-pants before climbing back up the stairs to the sit down at her desk and begin flipping through the messages on her private terminal. "EDI, what's the current ship time?" she called lazily over her shoulder, kicking her feet up on the desk in front of her.

EDI's disembodied voice came echoing through Shepard's cabin speaker. "It is currently 13:00 hours, in line with the time at our current destination." She no longer bothered using the old visual holograms to denote her 'presence' since acquiring her new body. Shepard idly found herself kind of missing it.

Shepard ran a hand through her quickly drying hair. _Gods I slept late._ _Good thing I don't really run a tight ship._ She laughed gently as she mused to herself, playing with the soft waves that were forming in her silky locks. She'd have to straighten them out later. "How much longer until we arrive?" She inquired, wiggling her chair back and forth absentmindedly.

"My current estimates put our remaining travel time as 3 hours and 26 minutes, including docking procedures upon our arrival." _Good, I have some time to take care of duties before we get there, then._

Shepard continued scrolling through her messages on the screen. "Good. Give me a warning when we're about a half-hour out. And notify the crew that I'm giving them a day's shore leave. Tell them to use it wisely; I don't know when the next time we will have an opportunity to rest will be. That goes for you too, EDI." Her eyes squinted as she clicked on a message with a particularly strange subject line. _How on earth am I getting spam on my Alliance extranet address?_ She shook her head dismissively and deleted the message with a perplexed frown.

"I will relay your orders momentarily." Shepard could almost hear the nod in EDI's voice.

Left to herself once more, she continued to scroll through the messages. Kolyat had finally replied to her. A small smile twitched across her lips. _I'll have to stop by and see him while we're on shore leave._ She worried about him frequently, now that he was all alone again. They had never had much of an opportunity to grow too close with her unavoidable absence, but through loving Thane she had come to love all that was dear to his heart. Shepard didn't have children and was starting to doubt she ever would, but she imagined that how she felt toward Kolyat despite their distance was similar to how she would feel toward her own flesh and blood.

She fired off a quick reply suggesting they meet once the Normandy docked, if he had time, and continued to scroll. She immediately regretted it as her eyes came to rest on one particular message from weeks before. Her momentary hesitation over it caused the message to open without her will or any warning. Her eyes flicked over the opening words against her self-control and better judgment.

_'I write this with a heavy hand, knowing you will read this letter when I am no longer able to share my thoughts.'_

Shepard quickly regained control of herself long enough to shut off her entire terminal before her eyes went any further. A bit of an overreaction, but it got the job done. That particular trip down memory lane was one she could gladly afford herself not to take. She really didn't need it. Not right now.

"Shepard…" EDI's voice came hesitantly through the speaker behind Shepard once more. "Lieutenant Commander Williams is requesting entry to your quarters. Do you wish to grant her access?"

Shepard sighed. She really didn't want to socialize right now, but she knew that it had to be important if Ashley was requesting admittance to her personal space, and Shepard never could deny her crew. No matter what personal shit storm she had going on in her own mind, they were counting on her. Being there for her team when they needed her was the least she could offer for all they constantly gave her in return.

"Sure… why not." She pulled her feet down from the desktop and stood up, retrieving her hoodie from the chair back and tossing it onto her arms and over her shoulders. She turned toward the door and leaned back on her desk to await the arrival of her would be visitor. It wasn't long before the door slid open to reveal her long-time soldier friend stepping over the threshold with a smile.

"Commander," Ashley nodded. She crossed her arms, leaning on the wall next to the entryway and fixed Shepard with a sly look and grin. "Good to see you're up and moving finally. I'd been waiting for you to come down to the crew deck for a few hours, but EDI said you were still asleep." Her voice was tinged with supreme amusement at Shepard's apparent laziness.

Shepard crossed her arms as well, looking her squad mate up and down. Ash had come a long way in many aspects since their days chasing Saren so many years ago. In truth, all of her teammates had. "Yeah, well I haven't been sleeping all that great for a while now…" She scratched the back of her head self-consciously. "I guess my body decided to catch up on some of the missing rest today."

"Guess so," Ashley chuckled.

"Anyways… you wanted to see me?" Shepard shifted uncomfortably, wanting the spotlight off her before Ashley noticed she was upset and started digging. "You must have come up here for a reason."

The soldier's smile wilted slowly. "Yeah, actually… I think I have a question for you, Skipper."

"What's up?" Shepard tilted her head curiously and uncrossed her arms.

Ashley pushed off from the wall and the doubt her voice held transferred to her body language. "Well, I wasn't sure… It's not exactly regulation, ma'am," she responded quietly.

"Ash, am I really known for my adherence to protocol?" Shepard retorted sarcastically, raising an eyebrow.

"No, I guess not," Ashley laughed.

"C'mon, come over here." Shepard gestured a thumb over her shoulder to point at the seating area below. "We can sit and talk." She hoped getting Ash off her feet would get her to loosen up. Whatever Ashley was hiding was deeply bothering her, that was plain as day. Shepard wanted to see it resolved before it had the chance to turn into a bigger issue that might become a safety hazard in combat. Anxious minds cause mistakes; mistakes cause death. Thane had taught her that.

Shepard moved down the stairs as she had suggested, glancing momentarily over her shoulder to affirm Ashley was following. The commander flopped down in the lone chair, kicking her feet up off the ground once again, and extended a hand to invite her friend to occupy the couch. Ashley took a seat against the wall, nodding graciously. Ashley fidgeted a bit with a small sigh, seeming uncertain at her presence in her commanding officer's quarters, before settling into her seat and crossing her legs to be more comfortable.

Shepard crossed her arms again, keeping her gaze on her comrade in an effort to continue to study her movements. "So, what's on your mind, Ash? You've got me all sorts of curious now."

"Well…" Ashley started off quietly. She coughed lightly before continuing, her voice taking on more confidence the longer she spoke. "Laying there in the hospital, I had a lot of time to think. Lots of stuff going on, between the reapers, my family, and my recovery. Kinda left me with a lot to deal with."

"You're telling me," Shepard chuckled softly, shaking her head. She smirked at her friend. "Lately it seems like I've spent more time in hospitals than my own ship."

Ashley smiled shyly and looked down. "And thanks for coming by. I know I wasn't the only one you were there to see… but it still really meant a lot, especially after how I acted on Mars. It made me feel loads better to hear you'd been there while I was out, and to see you when I was finally up." Her voice had backed off to a hesitant tone again. Shepard knew expressing weakness was just as hard for Ashley as it was for herself. The soldier had admitted in the past to feeling like she had a lot to live up to, so much to prove because of her heritage. Miss Williams opening up about anxieties was a rare thing, and one you paid distinct attention to because that meant they were vast and deep concerns. "Hospitals always make me nervous," Ashley admitted, returning her eyes to the commander. "Something about shuffling off our mortal coil, y'know? I didn't know where I was going to go, or what I was going to do, but I couldn't wait to get out of there. I hate hospitals. Hate the smell… hate the colors. Hate the reminder of… the end, y'know Skipper?"

"I can definitely agree with you there, Ash. After my last visit…" Shepard's voice trailed off and she slouched low in her seat. "Well, let's just say if I never walk into another hospital, it will be too soon."

"I'm sorry… I should have thought better before saying that. I…" Ashley wrung her hands together as she continued, "we were in the hospital together… but I wasn't around before, so… sometimes I forget…. about you and him. Thane was a really _good_ man. I don't think I've ever said I'm sorry about your loss, Shepard." She offered another weak smile with her reply. They had never talked about Thane after his death, and Shepard found herself briefly wondering how well Ashley had gotten to know her lost lover while they went through physical therapy together.

"It's okay, Ash." Shepard shook her head indifferently, not wanting to go farther into that subject. Not right now. Her emotions were already too high due to the email incident earlier. "But… you said you had a question?"

"Yeah… well I guess I should just come out and ask since I'm here. No point in being coy about it now, huh?" Ashley leaned forward, hands clasped together and elbows resting on her knees. "You… after the Normandy went down over Alchera, before we ran into each other on Horizon… You… were dead, weren't you?" Her voice trembled as she spoke, long buried emotional scars surfacing once more as she relived the memories in her head. "I mean… really dead. Right? The reports weren't wrong; you weren't just hiding somewhere for those two years?"

Shepard nodded idly. "That's what they told me. I couldn't really say for sure, but I have no reason to believe any differently. So, I think so, Ash." Her tone of voice was almost deadpan as she replied, locking her emotions away. She _really_ didn't like where this conversation was likely headed, but she still couldn't deny Ashley her curiosity. She could at least hide her own weakness in the process and hope the soldier wouldn't try to turn the conversation on her later.

"What did you see? At the end, I mean. Bright light? Dark tunnel? Anything? What happened to you, Shepard?" Ashley's eyes searched Shepard for clues as she made her inquiries, as if hoping her prodding might make the commander inadvertently give something away.

Shepard sighed and turned her head to gaze at the fish tank to her right. She was suddenly very glad she'd chosen for them to sit down for this conversation; it was about to get much heavier and too close to her earlier train of thought than she had hoped. "That's a really big question, Ashley. I don't think I have the answer you're looking for, and I'm not sure the one I have for you is one you'll like."

Ashley shrugged. "It is what it is, Skipper. What you have to tell is what you have to tell. There's no right or wrong."

"I honestly was wondering how long it was going to take for someone to come out and ask me. It's been almost nine months since I came back from the dead, and people somehow haven't really asked about it." Shepard's voice trailed off. She continued to stare at the illuminated tank on the far wall, examining the exotic fish contained within to avoid looking back at Ashley as she mulled over the memories in her head. None of them were at all pleasant.

Genuine shock passed over Ashley's face and she sat up straight in surprise at the commander's reply. "You're kidding! That's hard to believe. You died! You saw what's next, what comes after the end. How can anyone not be curious about that?"

"Maybe they have their own beliefs and don't feel the need to ask? Maybe they just don't want to know?" Shepard shrugged and shook her head with a soft sigh. Her brow pulled into a wrinkle as she frowned in her contemplation. "I can't tell you why no one has asked… but I guess I can tell you what I _do_ know. What happened to me… Ash, the truth is I really don't remember much."

"What do you mean, Shepard?" Ashley tilted her head slowly, confusion written onto her features. Confusion that asked a question without words.

_How could you forget something like that?_

The truth was Shepard _couldn't_ forget it. The issue was that she just didn't remember a whole lot to begin with. But _every_ detail that her mind could recall was burned into her memory, forever branded in as perfect detail as they possibly could be. "I…" Her voice was barely a whisper as she sifted through what had happened in her head. The memories played inside her mind like an old holo film, pieces cutting in and out like noise from data corruption. "I remember floating through space. There was fire everywhere and I was trying to get Joker to an escape pod when an explosion pushed me out of the wreckage and into nothingness. There was a sharp pain in my chest; one of the air lines connected to the back of my helmet had gotten snagged and cut in all the chaos. I couldn't breathe, but I could feel the air as it was leeched from my lungs while my suit slowly depressurized. I struggled, tried to stop the leak – but it was all pointless. The stars began to dim, the world started to fade. The last thing I remember was the system's star rising over the edge of Alchera below me… and then blackness. Oblivion." She shuddered involuntary, rubbing her arms to regain some semblance of comfort. Actually telling someone what had happened to her, what she remembered about it, was proving to be much harder than she had thought it would be.

"What about after that? Did you see anything?" Ashley inquired cautiously.

"I… saw a _light_ —" Shepard started to reply, but she was abruptly cut off.

" _Really_?" Ashley sat up, practically jumping in her seat at Shepard's words. It seemed like she made no effort to contain the eagerness that exuded from her voice.

"It's _not_ what you think, Ash." Shepard sighed again, turning to fix her friend with a hard stare. She was certain Ashley wasn't going to like where this answer was going, she hadn't just been saying such to try and ward them off the topic. The soldier was deeply spiritual and religious, and Shepard's distinct lack of experiencing an afterlife was not going to sit well with her. She knew she had to choose her next wording carefully. "It was the Cerberus lab, when I woke up again for the first time. I heard muffled voices for a bit, and then someone was standing over me. I don't remember any of it very clearly, but I think it was Miranda. Lawson, the Cerberus operative who oversaw my recovery and… reconstruction."

"Yeah, I remember her," Ashley responded with a small nod.

"The next time I regained consciousness, the station was under attack. I had to roll off the operating table and escape the facility." Shepard spread her hands slowly in a small gesture as if to say _'This is all I have to give as an answer.'_ It really was.

Ashley bit her bottom lip gingerly, her eyes dropping to the table between them. "So… you don't remember anything in between then… you don't know?"

"No, I don't, Ash. I'm sorry." Shepard shook her head despondently, wishing for both their sakes that she had more to offer. Wishing that what she had just recounted wasn't the harsh truth of the matter.

"I guess the big question of the afterlife doesn't get answered today then, huh?" The soldier's distress was verily palatable in the air of the small cabin; matching the feelings Shepard had harbored herself all the long months since her resurrection from the grave.

_Why does she have to sound so damn disappointed?_ Shepard feebly wished again that she could provide her friend with words that would instead instill comfort, but she couldn't. She refused to lie to Ashley out of respect. "I'm afraid not," she affirmed softly. She pulled her feet down off the table and moved to stand, circling to the back of her chair and leaning over it to look down at her friend so lost in thought over the words just shared between them.

It took a while before Ashley responded again. "Well crap," she retorted indignantly. "What use are you then? You were supposed to be my big life-after-death inside source, Shepard. Who am I supposed to ask now?" She looked up at Shepard and her eyes betrayed the insincerity of the sarcasm that had slowly crept into her voice. Shepard's words had truthfully shaken her, and she was trying desperately to hide it. Shepard decided it would be best to go with Ashley's cover and not to highlight it.

"Ash, please don't take what I said too hard. I know you're religious, and even with my experience as it were, _I_ shouldn't be answering questions about _your_ beliefs," Shepard sighed softly, bringing her head down to rest on her hands. She was regretting being so open about the question with how powerful of an effect it seemed to have had over them both. Maybe it would have been wiser not to breech the subject, just as she had chased the thoughts off earlier.

"I'll be sure to take that into account," Ashley whimpered thoughtfully, staring at the floor again.

Shepard pushed off the chair and paced around the room, feeling awful for putting Ashley is such a state of mind. Shepard had often pondered this exact subject, once she had realized there was no true gap in her memories between death and returning to life. Even with the possibility that _maybe_ she just didn't remember anything in between, the thought was more than disquieting. She leaned against the fish tank and rubbed her hands over her face with a heavier sigh than before.

"Hey, Skipper… what's bothering you? You look like you have something you want to talk about."

Shepard looked up to see Ashley leaning over on her knees again, looking her over with a contemplative stare. Shepard had let her weakness show for a fraction of a minute, and of course it had been picked up on. "I just…" she breathed before pausing. _Should I really open up about this stuff? Maybe it will help. Maybe knowing that I have my own doubts will make her feel less alone in hers._ "Talking about this, it's bringing up bad things, Ash. Memories… thoughts."

"Well, talk to me," Ashley suggested. A look of worry wrote itself across her face as she leaned back against the couch again. "I got my big confession of my chest, now it's your turn. We've known each other long enough that you should know you can talk to me anytime, Shepard."

"Thanks. It's just…" Shepard rubbed her face one last time before pushing off the wall and beginning to pace as the words poured from her lips. Once she started, the feelings her thoughts evoked sought to drown her if she didn't continue talking. So continue she did. "Ash, when I realized what had happened to me, what Cerberus had done to bring me back… I panicked and my mind shut itself down. With will and moral support from the love I found in Thane, I was able to push that fear away long enough to deal with the Collectors… but it didn't stay away. Separated from him and the rest of my crew, all alone in Alliance lock-up… those were some dark days for me. I was forced into the challenge of my situation. Forced to look myself in the mirror for once and confront who or _what_ I was." She rubbed her hands down her arms as a shiver took hold of her body. The memories of those six months were not kind to her.

Ashley shook her head, not quite able to understand what she was being told. "What do you mean? What were you afraid of?"

"Ashley… I don't know if I died and came back…" Shepard paused and bit her lip until she couldn't take the pain the faint coppery taste of blood hit her tongue. "Or just _died_. I don't know if I'm _me_. If I'm the Shepard you knew who took on Sovereign… or… _something_ else. An incomplete copy or a high tech VI programmed to think its Commander Shepard. I don't know if _I'm_ real or if my reality is even real. I can't tell anything from anything anymore, but I'm forced to keep moving anyways." She ran her hands through her hair and stared at the ceiling to avoid eye contact. She didn't want Ashley to see how scared these thoughts frankly made her feel.

"Does the answer to that really matter, Shepard?" Ashley tilted her head to the side. "Regardless of who or what you think you may or may not be, the rest of us are still here. We've followed you into hell, and I'm certain all of us would do so again without second thought. Whatever you are, you're _our_ Shepard," she finished with a soft smile at the commander. An attempt at reassurance that utterly failed despite her best efforts.

"It matters to _me_ though, Ash. If I'm not real…" Shepard rubbed fervently at her temples for a moment. "I'm not sure how to say this. I feel like I'd be a _letdown_ , I guess? To all of you, more so to those I met after I died." She dropped her hands to her sides with a heavy exhale.

"Especially to Thane," she muttered softly in defeat.

She shook her head and resumed pacing, letting the words continue to flow. Allowing her admission of fear to freely bubble forth from her lips. "I know I didn't see anything… but that doesn't mean I harbor no hope that there's something waiting for us after the end. I _desperately_ want there to be something there, Ash. He told me he would wait for me across the sea. I want that ocean to cross, and a beach where he's waiting for me with open arms. I want that more than _anything_ else, you have to believe me."

She stopped pacing and gazed down at her hands for a moment, flexing her fingers and watching her skin dance over the tissues underneath. "But I remember nothing from those two years I was dead, Ash. That time is still like only seconds in my memory. That scares me and keeps me from the kind of certainty that Thane showed in his faith. And if my fears prove true, and I'm _not_ real…" The words hissed out of her, seething with her inner anxiety. She balled her hands into fists suddenly and punched at the wall in front of her in raw anguish and despair. "Then there isn't anything waiting for me at the end, regardless. And I have absolutely no way of knowing what way it really is until I die."

Shepard glanced over her shoulder at Ashley to find her staring somberly at the floor again. The two stood still as stone in mutual silence for a long time, and it spoke volumes. There were truthfully no words her friend could offer her in her time of need.

Shepard didn't fault Ashley for that fact. She had expected no less.


	5. V

The last few hours had been utter hell, and if anyone Shepard definitely had a few past experiences to use as comparison. It all flashed briefly in front of her, the chaos and madness it had taken to reach this point. Destroying the anti-air gun and then fighting tooth and nail to the forward operations base upon hitting the ground in London. The somber goodbyes with all those she had come to know, love, and trust; not a one of them knowing if any one amongst them would make it out of this mess alive. The ones whom had been missing that she could no longer offer any petty words of comfort to as a parting, and the one absence in particular that stung more than the rest. Drawing up the courage for her final rallying speech, an effort to offer what little hope she could to her ever loyal companions. The long walk and insane battles leading to the transport beam, and the sheer lunacy that ensued after the final run down that hill. It was all too surreal. If she weren't standing here, now, in this place herself, she was certain she wouldn't have believed any of it either.

_"The paths are open, but **you** have to choose."_

Shepard didn't even know why she let that damned VI go through its entire speech. Once it had pointed out the pathway to the right and explained what it represented, what it _did_ , her choice was concretely made. The idea that she could destroy the Reapers so _simply_ now from this place, after all the pain, loss, and suffering all had endured; that it could finally be over after everything that had brought her to this point… it was virtually unfathomable. Standing there on that desolate walkway, battered, bruised, and bleeding, forced to watch, powerless and unable to take action, while war stormed all above and around her across the space surrounding Earth. Forced to watch while the same people she had always sought to protect now fought and died so for her, so that she might stand in this very spot… there _was **no**_ other option.

The so-called 'catalyst' had secondly revealed a way in which Shepard could control the Reapers instead of destroy them. While the idea of bending the great race of sentient machines to her will was ambitious and supremely tantalizing in abstract, she had seen what attempting to control the Reapers had done to the Illusive Man. It had turned all that he was, the prodigious and intellectual if _extremely_ misguided man, and sapped him of all that greatness. Taken his intelligence through indoctrination and replaced it with a puppet in a shell of a man who had once possessed the potential to have become a god amongst the masses.

There had been a third choice given, but Saren had once become the avatar of the supposed synthesis option she had been presented with. The projection of the child made it sound like the best option of the three, but Shepard knew better. She had seen Saren's devolution first-hand, tries to talk him down from his madness more than once. And the final time she had actually succeeded; the spectre had put his pistol to his jaw and taken his own life in shame. Shame that he had lost himself and allowed Sovereign to use him in such a way as to endanger those he had been trusted to protect. Thanks to the Reapers, however, he had gotten back up, a crazed mechanical corpse, and Shepard had been forced to put him down a second time herself.

She had come to this place to do **_one_** thing, and she would be damned if that wasn't exactly what she would do.

Shepard stumbled forward toward her goal, clutching at her side in pain. She had managed to stop the bleeding for the most part, but the lingering ache tore through her muscles with every movement, every step. It felt as though there were fingers entangled in her ribs, threatening to rip her apart piece by piece. _I've been through worse. This too shall pass. The pain will become a scar and a dull ache to supplement a memory._ Her steps were heavy, the effects of the loss of blood becoming increasingly evident as she moved. Her head spun, and her limbs felt like lead. It was on sheer will alone she made it up the ramp to the platform that harbored her goal.

Shepard stood hunched over, staring at the structure on the opposite end of the walkway. _So… this is it. Now or never._ This unseemly object allegedly spelled the end of all this struggle and heartache for her. For her crew. For the entire _galaxy_. Peace at last incarnate in a structure of glass and metal. All she had to do was set the charges so to speak. She lifted her gun as best she could manage while doubled over and took another meek step forward, not entirely sure she believed it all.

 

_I love you._

 

A faint whisper graced her ears, and she almost tripped in shock. She couldn't tell at first if it was memory or otherwise… She shook it off momentarily and aimed as best she could, squeezing her finger down on the trigger.

_**BANG** _

_  
_

_If all else whispers back into the tide, know this for fact._

 

_Thane._

His final words he'd left for her; the ones never to fade. His final profession of devotion. His goodbye.

Shepard closed her eyes for a moment. She could see him behind the veil of her eyelids; flashes and flickers of times gone by and reminiscences past. A spectrum of passions and a tidal wave of emotion crashing down on her all at once. The high points, the low moments, and everything in between. Their first meeting, their budding friendship, and the whirlwind romance it had all culminated to. The love they shared, unwavering to the bitter end and beyond. She breathed deeply and lifted her chin as her eyes slowly fluttered open again, her resolved renewed. Her body straightened to stand tall and her armed hand rose to aiming height coolly, eyes sighting down the top of the pistol with finger ready on the trigger.

_Now or never. It's time to end this, once and for all._

**_BANG_ **

 

_By grace given me by the Goddess Arashu, I bid her divine protection to you, my warrior-angel, my siha, to succeed in your destiny._

_  
_

**_BANG_ **

Her shots bounced off the glass in front of her, barely leaving a crack. Closer. She ignored the red caution lights surrounding the tank and moved forward anyways, placing one foot in front of the other; step after step, pace quickening along with the beat of her heart.

**_BANG BANG_ **

 

_To light your path through the coming darkness._

_  
_

**_BANG_ **

Shepard bobbed to the side and steadied her gun with both hands, avoiding leaping flames and sparks as her bullets hit their mark. She continued to empty her clip into the tube in a frenzy, her damage increasing with proximity to her intended target. There was little to no protection in this place, she noted the openness of the area idly. If the reaction to her shots was any indicator, destroying this tube likely meant causing a chain reaction of destruction, and likely meant being caught in it. Probably meant getting spaced again.

**_BANG_ **

She didn't care; she would gladly face her worst fear with dignity if it meant the end to this insanity. This was what she came to do. This was what she was meant to do. Even if she was forced to sacrifice herself, it would all be worth it. The end was more than justification for the means. She kept her purpose, kept moving.

**_BANG BANG_ **

_  
_

_To give you hope, when all seems lost._

_  
_

**_BANG_ **

Spider web cracks snaked their way across the surface of the glass, fracturing further with the impact of each shot. The sparks and miniature explosions were getting harder to dodge. They singed her mangled armor beyond the charred disaster it had become, the heat searing against her skin. Shepard no longer even flinched; she refused to quail in her purpose, even for a second.

**_BANG_ **

Everyone who had died, they had died to see her here safely as they could; they had given their chance at a tomorrow so that she might pass that same kindness on to everyone else in her own turn. She would not dishonor their sacrifices, would not shame their memories now.

**_BANG BANG_ **

_  
_

_I will await you across the sea._

_  
_

**_BANG_ **

One final shot and Shepard could see the fireball and explosion coming in the split second before it happened. She ducked futilely, shielding her face from the fire behind her hands as it consumed her and the platform. Her mind flashed back to the attack on the Normandy as she tumbled across the platform from the force of the knockback. Blazing eruptions and deafening roars rattled the metal beneath her. She fought to push herself up from the ground, but as her hands found purchase it gave way. She fell. There was nothing below to catch her, yanked by the artificial gravity of the level to certain doom. Her mind screamed and she kicked and flailed involuntarily, but there no helping what was coming.

She was soon outside the protective atmosphere of the station, unprotected by her ruined armor. Bared to the vacuum of space. This was it, and cruel fate had decided to kill her twice in the exact same manner. Force her to literally relive her torturous memories as her life faded once more.

She was suffocating. There was nothing that could be done now, she knew it. She struggled out of instinct, but she had already accepted her death inside.

Her world disappeared around her, stars dissolving into nothing as she plummeted into the void of space once again.

Her mission was complete; she'd done what she came to do. This was her time, she could go in peace.

A final solace at last from all her endless agony.

 

 

She was suffocating.

She was drowning, tumbling and struggling all over again.

Her mouth screamed soundlessly and it filled with saline liquid; her lungs burned like they were bursting with acid.

Nothing made sense. Her world was blue and green, light and dark. Swirling madness. _Water_. She was in water. _Not just any water, salt water_. Hadn't she just been falling through space…?

 _An ocean_.

Shepard was suddenly thrown by the current that had dragged her, landing roughly on some sort of ground. She choked and coughed breath back into her body, pushing to raise her face from the land beneath her person. Stubborn grains stuck to her skin. Sand. A wave rushed up the shore to meet her, smothering her mouth and nose once more. She wildly pushed against the ground again in an effort to escape the tide, desiring to continue breathing air as opposed to water once more.

A pair of slight hands grasped her side, rolling and guiding Shepard to lie on her back gently. The light from the sun above was blinding and her vision was still blurry from her underwater excursion. She squinted and then shut her eyes to shield them from the intensity. She had been unable to discern who exactly her would-be savior was, but suddenly her face was shaded from the light. The figure delicately pulled Shepard's head into their lap, and in one swift motion bent to her face and their lips met. The feeling was unfamiliar but the kiss had no lacking of passion, and Shepard found herself reciprocating; her own mouth working into the unexpected kiss before the shock of the situation could fully register. She shuddered, breathless as they parted and slowly opened her eyes, quite a bit more curious now as to the identity of this brazen individual.

_Sunset-colored eyes._

_Irikah?_

The name rolled off her lips and tongue like the most saccharine music. Though Shepard had never had the privilege of knowing the woman in life, but from all she had heard there was no doubt in her mind that her supposition was accurate.

Her laugh was like silver bells and the songs of angels. Irikah beamed down at her, long fingers delicately stroking through Shepard's hair like the sweetest of lovers.

_You certainly took your time in returning to this place, Shepard. I was almost beginning to believe Thane when he said you'd be too stubborn to ever die._

Shepard's eyes widened. She fought to rise and meet her at eye level, but Irikah's hands on her shoulders held her down, firmly in place at rest on her lap.

_Thane? Wh—where? How?_

Irikah placed a slender finger to Shepard's lips, silencing her confusion.

_Shhhh… There will be time for all your questions. You will attain the answers you seek, I assure you. Though I suppose I should answer the first one you would want to ask of myself. Why did I choose to meet you here?_

Shepard nodded slightly, eyes fixated on the woman above her. She truthfully was beautiful in every facet, astoundingly so. Try as he may have, no description Thane ever could have given would have done her ethereal loveliness justice.

_I wanted to thank you personally, Shepard._

Shepard began to open her mouth again, mind perplexed at what had just been spoken. _What would she want to thank me for? I replaced her in Thane and Kolyat's lives. Shouldn't she resent me?_ She was hushed once more before the words could form sound in her throat.

_When I met you last time you crossed the sea, you knew not what was to come. **I** did, but I didn't yet understand just what precisely it was you would do. What exactly you were capable of. You crossed the sea only to be pulled back and away again, specifically to play your part as the martyr. The vanguard to protect the galaxy and all within from the greatest danger it has ever faced. You paid the ultimate sacrifice; not just once, but twice. All for the greater good, and never asking or expecting your own in return._

Irikah smiled softly, tears beginning to roll down her cheeks.

_But more importantly, I suppose… You not only saved everyone, but you found the time along the way to specifically save that which is most important to **me**. You took my family into your heart and made it your own. Loved my husband and my son in life as I no longer was able to do._

_You kept Kolyat from a dark path and set him back towards the light so that he might have the most brilliant of futures awaiting him once again. That he might retain the privilege that was stolen from him when my death shattered our already broken family._

_And you also taught Thane to live once more, when he had forgotten the beauty of the world. You helped him find redemption for his sins and solace for his soul. Helped him forgive himself for the happenings of his past he could not change, and showed him he was not alone in the world. You allowed him to love again and spend his final days and moments in unconditional bliss under the wing of his beloved siha. And you were there for him until his final breath when battle brought him to the tide, never wavering even in the face of such loss._

_Thank you, Shepard._

Shepard was completely speechless. This woman truly was an angel, and she was so lucky as to receive her blessings and gratitude. She struggled to sit up and weakly gathered Irikah into her arms, unable to form thought or words to reply. All she could do was hold onto this perfect woman, this beautiful being as dear to her as a friend or lover she'd known her whole life. The memories of before, from her first death, came back to her like a gentle tide; Irikah pulling her from the water and sitting beside her on the sand. They had talked forever, Irikah listening with a knowing grin to the stories of Shepard's adventures and friends until she had been called back to the land of the living. Smiling and nodding without spoiling what was yet to come.

Irikah raised her hands to Shepard's shoulders and pushed their bodies apart, smiling as ever.

_I have said my piece, though, and it is now time for me to depart. There is someone else expecting you._

She rose to her feet, helping Shepard to hers as well. Irikah's hold on her hands lingered, and she patted them fondly between her own before finally reluctantly parting.

_Don't worry, Shepard. We will see each other again soon enough. There is naught but time for such things now._

Shepard watched Irikah's slim back as she strode away across the sand, longing for her to stay. She didn't want to be alone just yet in this strange place. She was still afraid that it might all be a cruel trick her mind was playing on her as it died. A calm image as an anesthetic to shield her mind from the pain.

Her misgivings dissipated quickly as a warm hand curled into her own from behind, fingers threading with hers in that familiar awkward fashion she knew oh so well. They squeezed hers gently, a thumb caressing her skin so slow the feeling of the motion alone gave off an air of fondness. A low voice she'd recognize anywhere chuckled amusement against her ear, the breath causing her skin to tingle.

_I believe this means that I have kept my promise to you, siha._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I counted the shots Shepard takes in the final Destroy cutscene.
> 
> Also, playing with the visual length and structure of paragraphs can be fun, and I found it supplemental to the mental image I was attempting to create. The fade out and back in of Shepard's consciousness.
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed as much as I enjoyed writing it!


End file.
